For some being a mom starts the moment you see a + sign on a stick, for others it’s the moment you first lock eyes with the precious little one you carried for 10 long months, and for some it’s a journey that begins with a broken heart and the love for a child unknown.
Mommy in Waiting is just such a journey…an unfinished story, a forever after being written line by line.
The truth of the matter is I never thought I’d see myself standing here, in the midst of such heartbreak that would eventually yield hope. Standing here, in the doorway of a place that has captured the deepest trenches of my heart, a place capable of making my emotions ebb and flow, sometimes casting shadows, other times, sunbeams, I never in a million years thought would happen to me.
My life was always comprised of effortless joy and easiness. It was a life of happiness, good childhood memories, a loving home. My prince charming swept me off my feet before I had the chance to even dream about him. Before I could blink my mascara-laden eyelashes, a gorgeous wedding and beautiful life of continued happiness was my Maker’s master plan for me before I graduated college at the ripe, young age of 21.
And so it goes, I went about my trouble-free life, with few bumps in the road, graduating college and starting a career in elementary education. My married life was ineffably easy and uninterrupted, leaving plenty of room for growth. Then, it didn’t hit me like a sudden death or a voice coming to me claiming a divorce was wanted. No, it didn’t begin strong; it was subtle. A gentle wind with sporadic light rains that evolved into a tornado that would change the course of my so-called easy life.
I wondered why on earth God chose me to endure the hardship of infertility, a person who understood children, loved children, and went to college to learn how to teach children. A woman who had longed to be a mother from the time she could speak. I had so many questions. At first, I just wondered why it was taking so long to become pregnant. Thoughts and doubts of what could be wrong danced about in my head. I didn’t know what was wrong. I was regular. I got checked and he got checked, year after year. For six years. Nothing was wrong except for a little hormone imbalance on my end. What caused the imbalance, who knew. I was super healthy, exercising, eating right, all that jazz.
It was not easy watching others around me becoming pregnant at the drop of a hat, having adorable baby showers, and giving birth. That is an understatement. It was extremely painful and I asked God when it would be my turn. It’s not that he didn’t hear me. He heard me. Oh, he definitely heard me when I would yell and say, “This is not fair, God!” I just wasn’t hearing him.
It took a while to hear him. It took many heart-to-hearts and daily conversations with my precious Lord, to understand that there was no complexity in his heart towards this situation of mine. This struggle and uphill battle that I had to cry out and ask him to hold my hand all the way up the mountain was a part of his master plan for me.
I finally stopped asking the whys and started asking Him what it was that he wanted from me. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t question the Alpha and Omega who owns all supremacy and divine sovereignty,” I thought. So, I started to ask him to show me exactly what he wanted from me. “Adopt,” he said. He did not whisper it in a hushed tone. He did not speak ever so delicately. He made me almost hearing impaired as I realized this was what he wanted from me.
The funny thing is, my husband knew long before I did that this was our calling. I just didn’t want to hear it. We tried three different doctors, fertility treatments, and test after test with a feeling of perturbed anxiety. Not so much peace was surrounding me as I encountered these things and I didn’t know it until I looked back to reflect on my heart over the past years. I knew that I was nervous about the treatments, but I didn’t know why. It was God yelling at me saying, “This is not what I have chosen for you! I want you to be the mommy to a child that you will not bear.”
So, here I am, standing in the doorway of a place that has captured the deepest trenches of my heart, a place capable of making my emotions ebb and flow, sometimes casting shadows, other times, sunbeams~ my child’s empty nursery and my Creator’s heart.
~Mommy in Waiting